So I was enjoying my typical Sunday ritual which was catching the NFL games with a sketchy divorced dude named Clyde at Applebee’s where i’ve been sloshing down their NFL beer buckets for weeks but Clyde turned me onto their new holiday promotion drinks including,...
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So I was enjoying my typical Sunday ritual which was catching the NFL games with a sketchy divorced dude named Clyde at Applebee’s where i’ve been sloshing down their NFL beer buckets for weeks but Clyde turned me onto their new holiday promotion drinks including, but not limited to, the $7 Berry Merry Colada and the $5 Tipsy Reindeer. So after about 5 of those each and screaming ourselves hoarse at the TV screens even during the commercials, Clyde threw up aggressively all over the bar top either out of excitment or the shrimp alfredo wasn’t agreeing with him this time. So he got kicked out again and called an Uber home and I had to quickly find somewhere else to go to ride the tipsy reindeer wave. I was vaping and having deep existential thoughts in that Applebee’s parking lot (also a weekly Sunday ritual) when I looked over yonder and saw Park Place Mall.
It also dawned on me that this week is a very important one. One very important day is upon us where we can all give thanks and celebrate harvest and appreciate the blessings of this glorious year. One day where we truly can all come together and harmonize in the collective recognition that we each harbor the uncontrollable and truly American impulse to buy stuff we really, really don’t need in order to fill the deep, sad, gaping holes in our unfulfilled lives: Black Friday! Yippee!
Now, sure, I could have gone home and hopped on Amazon or the dark web to take advantage of what has slowly become Black Friday week in my crusty gym shorts and let the overworked, underpaid delivery elves bring me my treasures, but that would take away from the fun of walking around a mall and observing NPC behavior, waking up the sleeping old dude in the massage chairs with a loud clap, eating dipping dots inside of a diamond store or avoiding eye contact with the kiosk vultures. So much adventure to be had by walking around the manifestation that is everything so wrong and so right about America. So I began walking and finally reached the concrete gates of capitalist splendor to see if Black Friday Week had wrapped its tentacles around good old fashioned analog shopping.
Much to my half-drunk chagrin, I didn’t see any big ribbons, big black balloons nor any spinning signs or circus folk promoting the sacred black friday holiday week in the mall. I was slightly concerned, so I made my way across the various storefronts to speak to each brand ambassador and see what the deal was with deals.
I, first, bee-lined it to Cinnabon because if there was buy one, get one cinnapack then I was gonna pretend to be interested in gifting someone and then eat both in the car. I waited in line behind some cinna-jerks and then got to the register where my berry vodka breath permeated the conversational air. “Hey cinnabon employee, do you have any black friday cinna-deals? They shook their head no and said they have their peppermint frosting specialty going on though. I instantly cinnamon rolled my eyes and then was about to walk away but instead decided to order one of those ooey-gooey center-of-the-roll nugget cups because the devil was winning today.
I shuffled my way over to Victoria’s Secret where there WAS a black friday deal for 30% off bras and panties but I felt like a creep standing in the middle of there with my mouth open inhaling gooey cinnamon roll centers shamelessly while breathing heavily. The manager, probably Victoria, was eye-balling me so I got out of there quick.
So I went into VANS where slobs like me would be more accepted but by the time I walked in and tried to act like a cool skater dude, my blood sugar or something was acting up or the Tipsy Reindeer finally got his hooves in me and I was getting light-headed. Suddenly I fell over and knocked over some skater shoe rack and then woke up to security over me and some stoner kids laughing and pointing. I was escorted out like a thanksgiving leper while screaming “USA USA USA” & everyone clapped. Then I went home and bought some manscaping tools and cheeze-its on Amazon. I win but either way great experience. 5 stars.